Touch me. Touch me like you didn't touch me last night.

Right, so, that whole Five Questions thingie?

iworkinasaloon is next, and his fucking band question took me about 300 years to answer.

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1. What do you think about this: http://www.pornotube.com/media.php?m=38292 (i don't blame you for not clicking it. Just don't.)

I am--unsurprisingly, for those who know me--not really disturbed by these things. Here's the deal: I figure that, since time began, guys have been putting their cocks in anything that looks like it might or might not move and women have been putting inside of themselves that look like they may or may not move.

Sure, this one's a touch more fucked-up than most things, but worse things have been done for pleasure instead of money.
And here is where somebody chimes in and says "But what if they're exploiting that woman? What if she has no money, and they're paying her thirty bucks to do this just so she can get her next rock of crack?" I hate to sound flip, but what if she's not? What if she's making a lot of money to do this? What if she likes it? What if she's repulsed by it but "Damn, that's a lot of fucking money for something that will be over relatively quickly?" If you've ever watched porn or looked at porn online or what have you--and by IF I mean WHEN--don't tell me you haven't seen women who look like they're drunk/drugged out of their fucking mind while their boyfriend takes digital pics of her with his cock in her. On a very basic level, I'm more repulsed by that because it's PLAIN AND CLEAR that the person in that is not in control of their emotions/actions, and might be getting a thrill from something they'll later regret, IF ONLY because it might end up online.

Without context, it's foolish to assume what is going on with that woman.

Moral of the story: No, it doesn't turn me on, but if it does you? Fucking wank away, my friend, wank away.

2. Butter or margerine, and why?

Well, butter is pretty much a better taste, but sometimes you want that yellowy-plastic taste, you know?
Oh, and margarine spreads better when you're dealing with soft bread and cold butter.

3. Name five of your favorite bands. Why do you like them?

Right, I'm talking bands AND solo acts here. Want to laugh at me about any of them? Go for it. You've got yours, too, and you know it. Only difference is that I won't apologize for any of mine.

THE POGUES: Not your everyday, average drunken Irish band, right? I mean, sure they've got the requisite songs about drinking and gambling, but you listen to "Fairytale of New York" late at night with a bottle of whiskey in your hand and tell me that's not fucking magic righ there. Yeah, they've got a bit of a depressing history, what with Shane McGowan's self-destructive lifestyle and all, but...dunno, doesn't that sometimes add a sort of twisted humanity to something that's already great from a musical standpoint?

They're not just a drinking band, as some people have reduced them to, they're fucking Irish-English-rock/punk. They're political, they're celebratory, they're fucking out of their heads. The number of bands they've influenced, and this remarkable sub-genre that they founded...just amazing.

Start with the album IF I SHOULD FALL FROM GRACE WITH GOD. If you don't like it, you won't like them. RUM, SODOMY, AND THE LASH is what I'd go to next. Already know them? Try watching IF I SHOULD FALL FROM GRACE..., a documentary about McGowan. Have tissues ready.

PET SHOP BOYS:

Perfected pop, that's what these bastards have done. About half of you out there will say "Didn't they have a hit song in the 80's?" About one-quarter of you will say "They're still around, sure, but nobody listens to them." The rest will either something or something else.
Look, it's easy to dismiss them as simple dancepop, but if you ever stop to listen to the lyrics, you'll find something else. No, not every song is a lyrical masterpiece, or a musical accomplishment, but they've put out some incredible stuff over the years. Perspective? In the past twenty years they've had forty songs in the top thirty of the UK charts and four number ones.

Neil Tennant has a fantastic voice--even after twenty-some years of singing--and Chris Lowe is an amazing musician. And he's got perfect pitch. You listen to some of their songs and think "Yay, dance!" and you listen to others and you think, "Yay, pop!" and you listen to others and you think "Yay...wait, is this a happy-sounding song that's really about life as a gay man over the years of the AIDS epidemic? Jesus..."

Want to try their early stuff, go for ACTUALLY (1987): Great pop, great ballads, great lyrics when you listen.
Early nineties? VERY, often considered their most important album, since it's got lots of songs addressing homosexual topics, and Tennant came out immediately after it's release.
Latinish-dancy with great lyrics? BILINGUAL.
Most recent and almost entirely political? FUNDAMENTAL

COWBOY JUNKIES:

You've only ever heard "Sweet Jane," right? Or maybe "Me and the Devil Blues?" Yeah, you've heard them, but unless you're already a fan, you've only heard some of their soundtrack songs.

Rectify this immediately.

I don't know what the hell to describe them as. They're not country, they're not rock, but they're both. One moment haunting, the next uplifting, the next really fucking haunting, they defy convention whenever possible. Sweet fuck, they're difficult as hell to describe.

Look, go buy BLACK EYED MAN. If you don't like it, I'll mail you something. I promise that it won't be an envelope full of poop. Or at least, it won't all be poop.

THE PIXIES:

If I could only listen to one album for the rest of my life, DOOLITTLE would make the short list, no questions asked. Frank Black's indescribable vocal sound, Kim Deal's SOLID FUCKING ROCK, a kind of music that is--as with many bands I like--clearly made of many different genres, but not able to be nailed-down as any single one.

It's harder for me to break-down the Pixies as well as I can other bands, as their music really needs to speak for itself.

I think I want to die as the Pogues sing "Fairytale of New York" and have my death be quickly followed by the Pixies singing "Wave of Mutilation."

THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS:

The two Johns--Linnell and Flansburgh--have been playing together for about 24 years now, and they change and stay the same with every album they release. Sure, they're a good bit of fun, but they're accomplished musicians and brilliantly twisted lyricists as well. To dismiss them, off-hand, as being a novelty act is something that is usually done by somebody who's judging them by the three songs of theirs that you've heard on the radio.

Yeah, songs like "Dig My Grave," a 60 second heavy-metal song about...umm...death, I guess, are off-the-cuff little things, but "Ana Ng" and "Don't Let's Start" throw me into Awesome Mode every time I hear them. And they're not just a great band, they're great performers. Making up songs on the spot, adapting their show for the venue, doing a series of improved songs in which they did one for each of the Planet of the Apes movies and then hiding them on the end of an album.

Christmas album? Yes. But it also sings about Chkahnnukhaha and their first album has a song about a guy's wife cheating on him with their friend who dresses like Santa every year.

Start where you should, with their first album, self-titled and sometimes called "The Pink Album" and then go to their second, "LINCOLN," and then hit their best-known, and some people will argue their best, album FLOOD

DO it.

4. Whats up with the internet? Seriously?

It's amazing, isn't it? I love living in the future. Playing with the internet is like looking inside my own brain. Terrifying and brilliant and insane and magnificent and IS THAT A FUCKING EEL?!

5. What's your favorite food?

Don't have one, as such, but I'll give you a quick list: kimchi, properly-made Chinese fried rice, thick-slab pork chops, kohlrabi, whiskey,  cheese, unagi, umm...yeah, basically anything that isn't a tomato.

I am, at present, more drunker...est...than I have been in a very long time.

My angry liver, however, is not enough to stop me from trying to write a Sir Reginald story for you.

Such is the love that I, and all of my White Russians, have for you.

The Pet Shop Boys are singing very loudly in the living room.
I am going to see them in October.

Off to write, and drink lots of water, such that I will not be hungover in the morning.

I love all of you.

As usual.

b