Touch me. Touch me like you didn't touch me last night.

1) For god's sake, quit saying "KILL YOUR TELEVISION" and help people learn when to turn it on and when to turn it off. The glass teat (Thanks, Uncle Harlan) isn't the problem, damn it.

2) When I die, you fuckers better have a party that I'D WANT TO BE AT! Dancing. Music. Booze. Awesomeness. I should put all of that in my will. That if you don't plan this party, nobody gets anything of mine and nobody gets to desecrate my corpse.

3) I have a headache.

4) Jesus, people have actually started calling me "Uncle Drinky" in Real Life(tm). I don't even drink THAT much. I don't think. So, apart from "Mr. 'chilada" (thanks man_size and froborr_dwiggy) what other nicknames have been generated for me on The Interwebs? What nicknames should be generated? Why do I love all of you so much?

5) Tell me something awesome. Make my soul be all "ROCKSTAR!" and shit.

6) Be here now. Motherfucker.

b
Who is not drunk, shut up.