(no subject)

[benchilada]

So, I've featured work by my brother Jason before, now it's time to show off how funny one of my OTHER brothers is.  I still have a screenplay hanging around, about a hitman and his lover.  I had been tossing around many occupations for the hitman's lover, including front desk clerk.  Matthew wrote it from his point of view -- being in the hotel industry, all fancy-and-shit with his Master's in Hotel and Restaurant Management -- as though he had a lover who was a hitman.

Anyway, after I read it, I realized it didn’t fit the style of the piece, it was too damn funny for me to use, and besides, Matthew needs to get credit for this stuff on his own.

 

 Note: The theme is sass.  I don't think anyone would laugh.  But what the hell, I would. 

 

DESK CLERK

You know you could kill him right there in the port cochere.

HIT MAN

The where?

DESK CLERK

 The port cochere.  You know the place where the cars drive up and the bellmen are suppose to open your car door but they don’t because they’re watching some woman’s butt as she walks off with her sugar daddy?  They call that the port cochere.

HIT MAN

 The sugar daddy?

DESK CLERK

 No, the awning where the cars pull up.  That’s the port cochere.

HIT MAN

Where did you learn that?

DESK CLERK

 Hotel school   You know we learned a lot of big words in hotel school.  Staphalococcus viruses, attrition, and port cochere.  We even read a case study about a rabid mongoose who bit a guest at a hotel pool in Puerto Rico.

HIT MAN

 Well, aren’t you just a fountain of hotel knowledge?  How am I supposed to kill him in the port cochere?

DESK CLERK

 Hello!  Hit and run!  Duh.  You know, I’m just a desk clerk, why am I giving you advice about killing people?  You’re the expert here.  But you’d better not kill anyone at my hotel.  I will kick your ass.  I will personally come after you and kick your ass.  I will kick your “Oops-I-just-killed-one-of-your-valued-guests-in-your-port-cochere” ass.  Don’t think I won’t.  And just ‘cause you’re sleeping with me doesn’t let you off the hook.  Repeat after me: “I will not kill a guest in your port cochere.”

HIT MAN

Shhh!  Somebody’s gonna hear you.

DESK CLERK

 I’m just a desk clerk.  Who’s gonna listen to me anyway?  They don’t even listen to me when I tell them where the elevators are.  The only time they really listen is if I say “free happy hour buffet.”  No matter how nice or skuzzy the guests are, they always perk up their ears at the words “free happy hour buffet.”

HIT MAN

You have some desk inferiority complex.  Is that part of the hiring requirement?  You need therapy.

DESK CLERK

It’s not in the health insurance plan.

HIT MAN

Oh.

DESK CLERK

 I changed my mind.

HIT MAN

About needing therapy?

DESK CLERK

No, about the killing.  You can kill whoever you want, just don’t do it on my shift.

 

DESK CLERK

Frequent travelers think they know everything about hotels.  They think they know all the tricks.  And they can be pretty big assholes.  I love it when instead of just asking for a special room – you know, like a real human being would – they turn into big pricks and yell at you.  You hand them their room key and they say, “This better not be by the ice machine!”  So you take the key back and say, “Oops, let me get you a better room!”  Then you assign them the room between the elevator and the ice machine just ‘cause they’re a jerk.  I think hotel architects used to be sassy desk clerks ‘cause they always put a room in the hotel by both the ice machine and the elevators, just for the asshole guests.

HIT MAN

Maybe you could be an architect someday.

DESK CLERK

Only a sassy one.  Well, anyways, when the guest gets to the room, they get mad and call the front desk.  I make sure to answer the phone and I say, “Oh, sorry about that.  I thought you said you wanted to be by the ice machine.  My bed…let me send a bellman up with a gun.  [pause] I mean, I’ll send him up with a new room key.”  That always makes me laugh.  Then they call back and ask to speak to the manager, so I put ‘em on hold, put on my fake manager voice and say [fake deep-throated voice] “Oh my.  I’m sorry, sir.  He’s a loose cannon.  I’ll fire that desk clerk right now for you.”  Then they feel bad ‘cause they just got somebody fired.  Of course I always forget to send a bellman up with a new key.

HIT MAN

You should write a memoir.  You know, “I Was a Teenage Desk Clerk,” or “How to Succeed as a Desk Clerk Without Really Trying,” or maybe, “The Joy of Desk Clerking.”

DESK CLERK

Maybe so.  Let me think of the opening line.  How about, “I am a desk clerk.  Not only am I a desk clerk, but I’m a gay desk clerk with a college degree in love with a hit man.”  That’s a hit seller.  Maybe I could get J.W. Marriot to write a blurb for the back cover.

HIT MAN

Maybe someday you should send up a bellman with a gun.  That’ll teach ‘em to pick on the desk clerk.  Can I be the bellman with the gun?

DESK CLERK

Why not?  I bet you’d look cute in that bellman uniform.

 

benjamin sTone

10:26 am, 03/28/2005

Current Music: “Mission Drive” – The Wonder Stuff

Last Book I Read a Page of: DRAWN AND QUARTERLY v.5

Last Movie: The Time of the Wolf (France, 2003)

Next Movie: New Year Sacrifice (China, 1956)