It's only as interesting as the movie is, kids

Okay, remember when I said I was going to watch the 12 movies in this DVD set in twelve nights and then report back to you?

Time for you to learn a little about…



And yes, this post is going to contain SPOILERS FOR A MOVIE YOU WILL NEVER WATCH. But I thought I should warn you anyway.

The movie has a fascinating start, namely a print that’s easily the worst one I’ve ever seen on a DVD. While it wasn’t all THIS bad, it was pretty crummy the whole time.



It does do a great job of setting the tone early. A woman driving a car blaring hip rock music gets a flat tire and has to wander off into woods where she’s brutally attacked by a disfigured man-child. A disfigured man-child that we later discover is called Mango. Pronounced like the fruit. Don’t ask me, ask Rex Carlton, who also wrote such classics as Nightmare in Wax, which…oh, fuck, that’s in the set, too.
Fudgeknuckles.

Al Adamson showcases his directing chops in the first scenes, with Mango lumbering off into the forest, an unconscious woman over his shoulder, then a quick cut to:



Yep, that’s a model posing with trained dolphins. There are a number of shots with her in various sexy outfits in front of various sexy water-based animals, including a scene where walrus are trying to hump a plexiglass viewing window. I don’t know, man.

Fuck, I wish I had the energy to do a pithy review, but honestly, there isn’t much to review. It was a rather dull film with the only entertainment being the hilariously terrible bits.

Let’s do bullet points instead:

     •      It’s not even Dracula’s castle; he’s been leasing it for fifty years.

     •      Johnny the spree killer may or may not be a werewolf, depending on what cut of the film you watch. In this version, he’s just crazy. Crazy like, “Oh hey, the police are chasing me through the woods with dogs and there’s inexplicably a beautiful woman in a bikini bathing in the pool of a small waterfall in the middle of nowhere, so I’d better take a moment to drown her before starting to run again.

     •      Keeping women chained up in the basement as a personal blood bank is actually a kinda clever idea. Pity none of the extras were directed to do anything like scream or express discomfort or talk.

     •      Vampires are scared of guns and can be immobilized by tying them up with silk sashes.Also, their favorite bloods are AB from young girls and OO+.

     •      Mango.

     •      The Arizona desert has a convenient beach on the ocean.

     •      No need to establish that your worship of the Moon GOD Luna includes other worshippers who are totally cool with human sacrifice and you being a vampire.

     •      You can kill John Carradine with a rubber flail and a five-foot fall

     •      Sun takes a bit of time to kill vampires, and then they they die offscreen, leaving this:

          

             And then bats crawl out of the empty clothes and fly away without the main characters pursuing them.

     •      In spite of his being such a fruit, it takes a lot to kill Mango:

        

        And watch out for his superpower: the ability to change into a terrible mannequin after falling off a cliff.

God, I wish I could have made this entry funnier, but the truly funny bits are impossible to explain. Here, have a clip. Enjoy the acting, the print, the lines that may or may not be intended as humorous, and how to be a douchebag when women are being tortured.

Excuse the fact that the DVD was so poorly encoded that my computer could only rip it in a smooshed format.

Yes. An electric toothbrush.

Dick.

See you around, monkey-kissers.

Love,

benjamin