(no subject)

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Precise answers will not necessarily be forthcoming.
But enjoy nonetheless.

benchilada

(no subject)

Time for a bit of stupid fun, kids.

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            “James Watt was a hack!” screamed Walter as his armored suit smashed through the glass door. He stood in the doorway as his mechanized exoskeleton whistled in anticipation of its next move. Gouts of steam burst from the pipes on his shoulders as he walked forward, the interlocking plates on his legs clanking and sliding.

            “Only the brilliance of one man, combined with my own technical expertise, could have made this Steamsuit possible!” he shouted, this time out of necessity rather than fury, as the reinforced water tank on his back howled through its pressure-release valves.

“Now put the damn DVD’s in a damn bag!”

The two That’s Rentertainment clerks, obviously not being paid enough to put up with this, starting shoveling in the movies. To their credit, they did start with the cycling documentaries.

            One brave customer—the others having backed into various corners, trying to avoid the attention of the madman in his wailing and clanking travesty—slowly approached the counter.

            “A Steam-Boiler from which a hot Blast may be driven into the fire!” quoted Walter as a gout of superheated air fired from a tube on the back of his right arm.

            “That’s from Hero of Alexandria, isn’t it?” asked the customer from the ground, where he had ducked to avoid having his face burned off.

            “No, you plebian, it…wait, did you say Hero of Alexandria?”

            “Yeah. He was the guy from, what, two thousand years ago who invented all kids of crazy shit, like a way to use fire and water to open the doors of an altar?”

            “HE WAS NOT CRAZY!” Walter screamed.

“Look out, Jim!” shouted the female clerk.

“A WATER JET PRODUCED BY MECHANICALLY COMPRESSED AIR!” Walter helpfully offered as a pipe on the back of his left arm fired a stream of water so violent that it tore open the carpet next to Jim’s head.

“Do you not have an inside voice?” he asked Walter.

“I don’t even know what the hell you’re talking about!” insisted Walter, “Now I’ll make you all pay!”

 He lifted his arms and smashed them across the wall of New Releases. His metal gauntlets tore through many a crappy horror film and teen comedy, but absolutely flattened when it hit the wall behind them.

“GAAAH! That hurt!”

“Yeah, having a suit that exponentially increases your strength is for shit when you’re an enormous girl to begin with, Walter.”

Behind the counter, the really skinny clerk with the goatee—you know the one—was grabbing the store’s fire extinguisher.

“A Siphon which is capable of discharging a greater quantity of Liquid with uniformity!” Walter fumed as he pulled a length of steel tubing from around his chest.

By that time, skinny goatee guy was already spraying Walter’s heated, pressurized water tank with CO².

“What the hell are you doing?”

“I think he’s cooling your jets, man.”

“Oh, that was uncalled for!”

“Nah, you’re thinking of this,” Jim laughed as a dozen metal tubes sprung out in a circle from the skin around his wrist. Steam screamed out of them and propelled a preternaturally mighty punch into Walter’s chest. Steel and thief both crumpled like sheets of paper under the mighty blow.

“Great-great-great-grandpappy was a lot of things,” said Jim as the tubes retracted, “but a hack isn’t one of them.”

“Hey,” he asked The Goatee Kid, “you guys got that documentary about turn-of-the-century rail travel in yet?”

 “Sorry, it’s on back-order. Here’s a stack of free-rental cards, though, for helping with the crazy guy. Oh, and you can take as many of the used DVD’s as you can carry.”

“Do I look like I need 35 copies of The Transporter 2? Nah, I’ll just take the cards and go home.”

“No problem. Have a good weekend, Mr. Watt.”

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benjamin