"All of the phones in Sir Reginald's home have dials, and all of them work. On cold nights, he can still call his parents."
So, yeah, a decade ago...



My friend Billy Budd Vermillion and I--both of us sophomores at the University of Illinois--were vaguely totally not-serious about making a movie called KUNG-FU JESUS VERSUS THE PIRATES OF NEW YORK.

It would take place in the modern day, but the pirates would be like real, 200 years ago pirates. Also, Jesus would do shit like turn the water in people into wine, and throw cross shuriken. Oh, and we had a great pole-fighting scene where a dude thrusts the thing at Jesus, who catches it in the nail holes in his wrists, then pulls them apart, snapping the end off.

You know, "he shall return as a lion" or whatever that was.

Oh, and we thought the finale should be Jesus on the main pirate ship, having beaten up everybody he can, but he's overwhelmed by the sheer numbers. Super Evil Pirate Captain has his cutlass at Jesus' throat and is all "Any last word, Son?"

And Jesus is like, "Yeah, four of 'em. FATHER! RENDER THY JUDGEMENT!" and then it's all the Rapture or whatever, and bolts of lighting are killing people and demon things are eating people and the Pirate stumbles backwards. So Jesus says, in his Son of God-Damn voice, "I'd tell you to go to hell..." and then he picks the bastard up, screams "BUT IT'S NOT LIKE YOU HAVE A CHOICE!" and throws him into a portal to hell or something.

Spider dude and the Jack-In-The-Toilet were unrelated.

So, ummmm. Yeah.

benjamin
Whose drawing skills have not improved at all, thank dog
PS - C.Lit stands for Comparative Literature, but we never called it that.

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