Alena and Nadja the [ profile] fairyarmadillo and I were drinking and decided to eat some food that Alex the Fauxmerican sent us.

Please to enjoy.

SYDHT: Crisp bags from The Fauxmerican
benchilada: (Murderbaby)

They came to Minnesota.

On vacation.

From Denmark.

From there, a package was mailed to me and [ profile] fairyarmadillo.

Their names are Kathryn and Henrik.


There was...LICORICE!

This is seriously a lot of licorices


Buke cheese wedges from Denmark


Coop remoulade from Denmark

Wasa frukost? Depends, you talkin' apples or mangoes?

Wasa Frukost - Dunno go ask your mother


Golden Seafood - 80 percent torskerogn Stegte Sidelfile by Bornholms from Denmark Coop Makrillfile from Denmark nom fish in a can

But honestly, the licorice and the cheese were the most fun. The fishes was delishes, so they got trimmed out of the video. :P You don't press play on these things to watch me going "OH MAN THIS ONE IS ALSO REALLY DELICIOUS FISH," do you?

Thank you so much, Denmark, for bringing unto us Kathryn and Henrik and their gifts of food.

Oh, hey, look...A VIDEO of us!


benjamin and Nadja
Stone Robot Enterprises

Once more unto the bleargh....

This time, kids, Matt Fear came along for the ride an he and I and Nadja had a hell of a time. Special thanks to Norma for the first and second cans. :D

Wanna know what we had?


It's the photo that's blurry, not the can.

meatless spaghettic sauce with pickled cucumber picture lies

Sounds like food....

meatless spaghettic sauce with pickled cucumber ingredients

When there's no pic on the can...

Whole mini cucumbers can wonder if your lasers will even hit the mini cucumbers.

Lasers will miss your whole mini cucumbers

A curry spice in liquid form. Joy.

Turmeric Ukon Drink - Hangover cure from Japan

There is a fourth item, but you'll just have to wait and see. Pics of it will be below the video.

Please enjoy.

If you've finished the video, you can click here. )

Moral of the Story?

One cannot protect against "viscosity,"--I'm looking at you, Castrol GX--because "viscosity" is a physical property of any liquid. One can change it through "thermal breakdown" but not remove it.

Also, this SYDHT was super fun.


benjamin, and by proxy, Nadja and Matt

In case you didn't hear,
[info]fairyarmadillo and I went to Shanghai. I took lots of photos. Nadja took a far more sensible amount.

In any event, my little brother Nate 1000 is living there right now, so we all hung out a lot. Pretty fucking awesome. We went into a Dia convenience store so that we could find some strange foods to eat. Nathan picked several, we picked several, and we all sat down at the hotel one night to film:


There are only a few pics of the food. Somehow we took pictures of everything in Shanghai but the packages for this stuff.

So be it, for this is one of my favorite SYDHT's.

As always, my tics get worse when on camera. Weird.

Also, mind your Halloween bags this year for "Dry Beef Hot" and vacuum-sealed, shelf-stable meat. Or man/woman up and try 'em. Maybe you'll actually like it.

Hot dry beef

Duck and Donkey Meat




Off in the distance, kicking up sand as it rides towards us.

Holy shit, it's another SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO!

And hell is riding with it.

We, uh...we recorded this a couple of weeks ago.

We’ve been busy.

Anyway, this SYDHT has MRE pears and canned blood sausage and larvets and king top shell.

"But benjamin," I hear you ask, "what’s king top shell?"

Screw you. I wasn’t told, so you won’t get told. All I knew was that it made me think of this dollar store toy I got in Houston:

Power: Superior Powered Thunderbolt Overlord Top King Hulk Ripoff -- SHINE

In any event, it was only a matter of time until I said "in any event."

This is King Top Shell:

Top Shell can front SYDHT

Top Shell can back SYDHT

It has MSG in it. Remember when they said that was bad for us?

Parboiling the Top Shell SYDHT

This is Nadja parboiling it. Or rather, this is it being parboiled by Nadja. Wevs.

Top shell in a bowl SYDHT


Blood sausage SYDHT

Man, if there’s one thing I like my intestines to be filled with, it’s blood.

Blood sausage SYDHT 2

Sausage Kitchen sounds like gay cooking porn.


Pears are Nature’s MREs.

Larvets Worm Snax SYDHT 2

For when you just can’t wait to eat it as a bug…

Larvets Worm Snax SYDHT

Man, my camera has some weird wide-angle lens distortion stuff sometimes.


As usual, when being recorded, my Tourette's decides to express itself as "bunny nose" and nonstop fidgeting:

So there you have it. Kinda, yes, no, no.

Here's a link to a page that talks about king top shell.

Here are some links to other places I live online:

Facebook / Flickr Twitter / Tumblr / / YouTubeLibraryThing

Now go home. Go home to your bloody gophers.


benjamin sTone
Stone Robot Enterprises
benchilada: (Internet Monkey King)

Welcome, my children, to something the world hasn't seen for eighteen months...

...because for the last eighteen months, the world wasn't ready.

I promise that this feature will never again go untended for so long.

I promise that I'll no longer neglect adventure in my life.

I promise that it was just the one time that I touched you in your sleeNOTHING HAPPENED.

***totally awesome drumroll goes here***


That subtitle is still subject to change.

A little over a week ago, I was in Oakland, California, bringing my sweetie Nadja Robot (known to the LJ world as [ profile] fairyarmadillo) back to live with me in Champaign, Illinois. She is super-awesome and it's like living with a cuter, smarter, funnier version of me. Life is good.

ANYWAY! She took me to Nordic House, an adorable little store that specializes in Scandinavian food, drink, and chintz. The reason for the trip to Nurdic Hurse (← to be read in Swedish Chef voice) was so we could hook up a few items for this new SYDHT.

We were not disappointed.

Grandpa Lunquist Christmas Soda bottle

This is Grandpa Lun—oh, you can read. If it's anything like MY grandpa around Christmas, it tastes like sour mash bourbon and decades of regret.

Kaiserdom Club Malz Non-Alcoholic Malt Beverage

Ah, “non-alcoholic” and “malt beverage.” Words I like to see near each other as much as I do “cyanide” and “ice cream” or perhaps “penis” and “wasps.” Also, every man reading this totally just imagined what that would feel like.

Beauvais Asier jar

[NAME REDACTED] at the store told us that these were...spoilers. No, she didn't say “This is a jar of spoilers.” She said “Lingen longen jarra spoilurz.”

Pickled fish stuff 2

Zero labels. Not even price, let alone hints or tips. Fish floating in slightly thick liquid in a plastic container in a tied-off plastic bag. That's a little something that Norwegians like to call, “Go Time.”

MEDICAL WARNING: Man, my Tourette's was going BATSHIT when we filmed this, so if you have a movement disorder, this may be a bit triggery. As 2010 progressed, a tic that my friends call my “bunny nose” made a steady comeback. Since Nadja and I filmed this right before we had to check out of the hotel, eat some lunch, and get on a plane--after being crazy busy for and sleeping poorly for a week--everything added up to benjamin being a spastic. I love that as a spastic, I'm legally entitled to use the word spastic. Me and Michael J. Fox go out for drinks sometimes to make fun of you sad little “steady” people. Sure, we spill most of those drinks down our shirts, but the point stands.


So there you go. Christmas soda tastes like sugar and spice and everything nice. Non-alcoholic malt-beverage tastes like wheat butt. Aseir has nothing to do with pears. The wily Norwegian Fish Stuff is to be feared and respected. And [ profile] blackcat2086 gives good shirt.

Nordic House is pretty cool and we highly recommend it. Make sure you get a second opinion on anything you can't read, though. :P If I'm ever there again, I'll definitely get a different Fish Product...but I'll eat it with crackers. And gusto.

Be well, my little ones.



PS - Since this IS going to be a regular feature again, we have some awesome plans, but getting food from the internet is double-awesome. Batshit food is preferred but certainly not required. No flattened cuttlefish need apply, as I've gotten plenty over the years. Nadja and I will be going through what we have left and probably doing a clean-up round, but So You Don't Have To RELIES ON YOU TO SUCCEED!

benjamin sTone and Nadja Robot (AKA Stone Robot Enterprises)
506 W. Healey, Apt. 5
Champaign, IL

Bring the pain.

What's that? The triumphant return of SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO?!

Dare I believe to hope? Well, that paper bag over there says yes. Stay tuned, True Believers, because [ profile] fairyarmadillo and I is gonna have something for you soon...

How absolutely delightful!

[ profile] smileybead's husband JIm--on the day before he went vegan--did a So You Don't Have To.

What wonderful people.

If you're on Facebook, I think you can view her photos of the items right-goddamned-here.

Sorry I'm so behind on SYDHT's.
And everything.
Circumstances, et cetera.

You must be so tired of me apologizing for this.

I love all of you guys.

Thanks for being here,

benchilada: (Alphonse)

The Robots--[ profile] fairyarmadillo and [profile] dr_beep--contributed to my So You Don't Have To project several months ago and I only ever posted the first part on my LJ.

Here are all three parts in their delight and glory.

Three words: durian candy, motherfuckers.

They so cool.

Goddamned friend them.


I love Nadja and Will Robot (aka [ profile] fairyarmadillo  and [profile] dr_beep ).

They did a So You Don't Have To!!!



So, yeah...we've been a little slack lately. We make no apologies but will endeavor to do them more often in the future.

Also, please excuse that I only thank a few people in this one, as we accidentally mixed up the letters about what food came from whom. If we did one of yours and don't credit you, let me know and I'll edit the entry.

Okay, picture time.

[ profile] schmidtybooger informed us that this is exactly how they were described in the bin they were found in at an Asian market.
Also, I enjoy pretending that the pig is saying "DINK!" because it would be funny to hear a real pig make that noise.

There's a reason this one was "unfortunately" not included in the tasting. I'm looking at YOU,[ profile] interdisciple. I'm looking at you with eyes of distrust and shame.

This "SURPRISE! BUTTSECKS!" moment brought to you by [ profile] plumeriandeity. Also, it's hilarious that she's totally gonna blush when she reads that sentence.

Man, I love a lot of stuff about this package. I love that it's got a fish-shaped window, I love that it uses, like, five fonts. I love that the background is a beautiful oceanscape covered by a fucking fisherman's net.

Sorry, I don't know where I was going with that.

They look like they're made of gold leaf. And I think I went to high school with a Kieler Sprotten. Worked at the Hardee's across the street from the elementary school.

Whether it's fish or candy, when in doubt, put it in a plastic tube. Indeed, "bolsa veliotas" translates as "we've put it in a tube for you."

Look, YOU figure out something funny to say about licorice olives and you can write these damn posts, okay?

Mmm! Potent fermented soybeans with the strong flavor of onion! Next stop, Limburger and Ass!

Happy fun sour-sour lemon time best for you [ profile] fairyarmadillo plus magic husband [profile] dr_beep ?!

Enough pictures, watch these two videos.

Fair warning, the audio is rubbish anytime I open a package. Time for a new camera, what with the flash having shat itself while we were in D.C....

Who loves you?

Hint: It's benjamin, Your Internet Monkey King


I would be jealous that [ profile] thehefner has filthy assistants / sexy henchwomen (namely [ profile] bitemetechie and [ profile] darkestnova ), but I have Lovely Wife Sara, so, you know...I'm more than good.


In three acts.

And it's delightful.

If you don't watch it you hate bald eagles and pizza and apple pie and the flag and waterboarding.

I'm really both proud and angered. Proud that they took the SYDHT banner and ran with it, angered that I don't own that shirt.

I mean, not that shirt exactly. That's gross. Durian-sweat...

Also, I'm kinda jealous and wondering if any of the bubble-tea places in town secretly keep a small, emergency supply of durian around that they could make into a smoothie for me...

That having been said, I do have items laid out for a SYDHT to be filmed tonight. We'll try to make the time and set the mood for y'all.

Smooches, and congrats to the three intrepid tongue travellers,

[ profile] wolfsilveroak  submits this video of Max and Charlie trying Jersey Death Sauce solely for one reason: So You Don't Have To:

And today's two things from the 1949 edition of the Dictionary of Slang and Unconventional English:

to roll in one's ivories -- to kiss
Roby Douglas -- the anus

Therefore, If you were to roll in Roby Douglas's'd be kissing my butt-teeth.

Happy to be of service,


Oh dear, my children? Can it be that we've done something stupid...again?


Let's see what the beverage portion is, shall we?

This is habushu, which will be explained in the video.


As for the main food...well, [ profile] blackcat2086  brought it to me frozen, for which I will always love her. Oh, and she brought it in person and is super cool and cute and I'll post a photo of her soon maybe unless I forget which I will. Anyway, I love meeting the internet.

Crap, YouTube is currently showing a freeze frame from the middle of the main video, which gives away what the item is.

With luck, that'll get updated soon.

The following episode is, as always, filmed by Lovely Wife Sara and guest stars [ profile] city_of_dis , with [ profile] icayrus and [ profile] porpentine_4 intentionally hiding from view.


So, yep, we just conquered one of the Bar Standards for shitty food.

Here are some photos, after some scrolling fodder so it won't ruin the surprise if the YouTube preview image corrects itself.


Seriously, a plastic bag not only didn't contain the smell, but it couldn't even contain the pointy fruit itself:

Yep, them's the insides right there. I left it outside of the garbage can, even, for fear of making IT smell bad.

Whatever shall we do next?

Well, we still have Surging Eel...

And we still have two new "Have To" ideas brewing.

Oh, and, like my grandfather, my regular features are slowly returning to being regular.

2009 will, indeed, be my bitch.

Oh, before you go, have a RIVETING my wife is a lush outtake video.


Now go home. Go home to your bloody gophers.


Your Internet Monkey King

So, yeah, [ profile] mwissa  was in town last weekend. Not only did I get Christmas Spirit shot all over my face, but I also got to do my most sedate So You Don't Have To to date with her as Special Guest Star.

We did four relatively innocuous foods, which I've found to be a good formula.
If you're doing something brutal, make it the only food. If you're doing things that may not be terrible, do a number of them.

I am pretty sure that the first three came from Finland via [ profile] ekatarina, the Russian drink came from [ profile] dana_pants.


"Real Potatochips. Right taste."

She told me that the larger bags were called "MEGAPUSSI".




Doesn't Chili Salmiakki sound like a Gotham City mob boss?
In any event, your weak-ass licorice is not enough for Batman.


I would make a joke, but...

We went twenty seconds over the YouTube ten-minute mark, so it's split into two videos.

You know it's been a brutal morning when I can't even be arsed to put on a shirt that isn't the one I wore to a party from the previous night.

Now go eat some Japp Megapussi.



TWO, that's right, TWO So You Don't Have To videos today!

The first is a fan film by the two adorable children of one of my co-workers.
Their names are Bella and Ender and they're awesome.

What they're eating is this:

It's an "Exquisite Snack!"

We suspect that it contains a few more ingredients than these. Perhaps "FLAVOR" is code for "A NUMBER OF OTHER INGREDIENTS THAT WE COULDN'T BE BOTHERED TO LIST."

And now, ladies and gentlemen, making their Internet Moving Picture Debut...BELLA AND ENDER!

Seriously, did you melt a little during that one?


As for the next one, I didn't take a photo of the item, so here's a little teaser of what it is, found on the Flickr page of Joelk75.


This was a candy unleashed upon my family by my brother Matthew.

What you are about to see is not a dramatization.


It was Durian candy.

Life is good.



I love you, my monkeys.

First, there was [ profile] januarychill, and she did her own So You Don't Have To.
Then came [ profile] passive_mission, and she ate something So You Don't Have To.

Now, the titantic team-up trio of [ profile] g0dz17la , [ profile] livenud , and [ profile] mwissa  have done something...



I'm seriously thinking of starting some sort of bizarre worldwide club.

We'll need t-shirts first.

In the mean time, here's a poster that [ profile] carrot_khan  made:

Y'all flatter your Internet Monkey King.



Welcome to the

edition of
So You Don't Have To!

So...[personal profile] fairyarmadillo and [profile] dr_beep were in C-U to visit us; they live in California but were in the Midwest for a wedding and drove A VERY LONG WAY just to see us. While they were in our home, the decision was made that we needed to eat a lot of crazy-ass shit.

Holy dick, did we ever...

Here's only a small part of the table beforehand:

My apologies in advance for not mentioning the names of of people who sent various items in here; we just started pulling tons of stuff out of the drawers where we keep it all and tossed everything on the table.

Also, sorry for any weird formatting; LJ was not a fan of this entry.



Extra big smooches from Nadja, Will, and me, your Internet Monkey King.

Why, doesn't this meal look delicous?!

There's no way that somebody would have to eat it So You Don't Have To...unless...


Sometimes, ever so briefly, I think that I should know better by now. Then I realize that I have to do these things. Why?


Okay, kids, this here is the counter at Empire Chinese Restaurant, a delightful little place in campustown at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign.

They're delightful people. Very nice and the food they produce is excellent.

I love the first wall sign you see on your left when you walk in. It's very post-modern or something.

Wait, something seems amiss about that crispy whole fish photo.

Let's take a closer look, shall we?

Now, I could be imagining things, but the limes, avocado slices, and two Mexican beers make me think that they cribbed this shot from the wrong restaurant catalog.

Oh, right, yeah. The cactus, too.

Anyway, they've got a massive menu, but this day I was only interested in one thing.

See if you can guess.

No, much though I want to know what the hell they mean, it was not the "Fritters of Twinteed Dough."

No, I'm far too stupid to try that.

First time was gross.

Second time was not as bad but still...unpleasant.

And now?

What the hell, me?

What. The. Hell.

Thank heavens it was filmed.

So there you have it.

It seems that I learned a valuable lesson.

If you can figure out what it is, you go ahead and let me know, yes?

OH! And we're planning a Super-Explodo So You Don't Have To where I go through a bunch of the stuff that I've rapid-fire format.

As always, I accept donations of WTFkery here:

benjamin sTone
712 S. Anderson
Urbana, IL



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